Why do people feel the need to comment on other people's families? I just read THIS and it reminded me of how my sister, who is expecting her third baby soon and is the proud Mommy of a 3 and a 1 year old, was recently accosted in the grocery store by a woman who told her she was "So sorry." Like her pregnancy was a tragedy! And while not all of us are Michelle Duggars and can retain our minds while having 20 babies close together, it really isn't anyone's business how families choose to welcome their kids.
Which brings me to my beef along those lines: It never ceases to amaze me what complete and total strangers will say to me! That MMB post was relevant since today's vent is brought to you by the lady at Target who said: "Oh my goodness- three girls? Well, don't worry. You'll get your boy next time!" This is only like the billionth time I have heard this or similar lines. And today I've just had enough.
WHAT THE HECK?! I am so tired of my girls getting treated like second class citizens by random people! It really stinks to have to walk back to the car explaining to my 8 year old why some people, in her words, "think boys are better". Also like when I had to explain that there is a ward Fathers&Sons campout, but no activity for Daddies&Daughters.
I was shocked when I read this CNN article- we are not China, but there you have it. So in order to feel better about this subject, here are my two main gripes:
1. YOU GET WHAT YOU GET AND YOU DON'T THROW A FIT. Are we preschoolers--do we have to get the purple cup or else we throw a fit? I don't understand why some people look at families with one gender of kids and feel sorry for them- it's not like we had a say! Heavenly Father sent us to the pink line. Just like he sent some to the blue line. That's the plan for us. What happened to just being thrilled to be blessed with kids? Yes, if you only have boys or only have girls you miss out on stuff! We don't all get every single experience possible in life! I know lots of women who have only sons and I'm sure when they found out that last baby was a boy, they heard plenty from other people too. It's like these people won't be satisfied until you say to them: "Wow. I guess you are just way luckier than I am. Kudos to you. Even though you had nothing to do with it. Really, awesome that you got both. We just aren't as great as you, so go ahead and feel bad for us."
2. I guess it's only natural that gender prefers gender when parenting. Meaning that most women I know would love to have a daughter and most men would love to have a son. But what really galls me is when people sympathetically give Tyler their condolences for having only daughters. Boo hoo. When we were first dating, Tyler told me his ideal family would be three daughters! He has been nothing but thrilled with our girls. Men who only want/need/keep trying for a son drive me crazy. No, Tyler does not care that if we never have a son the Haws name will die out since only his sisters have kids. That seems rather ancient history to me- isn't it more about passing on characteristics than letters in a name?
So that's my vent. Has anyone else experienced this phenomenon?
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24 comments:
In regards to the "You'll get your boy next time," I think it has nothing to do with girls or valuing girls less because I got that ALL THE TIME when I was blessed with two strapping young name bearers. I think that, rather than meaning the person values one GENDER more than the other, it's the person's way of trying to understand YOU and why you even have 3 in the first place. I mean... like "why WOULD you have THREE CHILDREN if not for trying to get a boy?? If you weren't specifically trying for a boy, wouldn't you have stopped at one? Or at the most, two??" And with me, when I was strolling through Target, clearly pregnant with number 3, cashiers would assess the situation, ask what the gender of baby was, and when I said, "Girl," they'd be visibly relieved and say, "Oh good. You got your girl, now you can stop." As though this somehow makes their world a better place to know that NOW THAT CRAZY PROCREATING WOMAN CAN STOP!!
So for what it's worth, it certainly goes both ways, and we're all just doing the best we can, aren't we? :)
I get comments all the time about how young I am and how I should have more girls and I never thought of the comments of having a girl when you have all boys or a boy when you have all girls had anything to do with inferiority but balance. I think people are just making a lame attempt at making conversation. Lets plan a daddy daughter outing or better yet, have the EQ do it
Sadly, yes. I get this ALLL THE TIME. It really get under my skin...even though I am a girl, raised by a single mom with only a sister. Here ! Here! I am going to tell the next stranger that comments, "you get what you get & you don't throw a fit!" (genius!)
My favorite: I was very pregnant with baby # 4 while checking out at Wal Mart one day. I had the other kids with me (so you know how that goes...) when the cashier started talking about my pregnacy and wondered if it was planned. I was kind of shocked becuase Willow WAS actual planned- but did that even matter??? I told her we were really excited & thrilled to have another girl arriving soon! Then she looked at me before I left and said, " Well- you do know how to prevent that, right?"
I couldn't believe the nerve! I shook it off because the second you become pregnant, you become the space alien who just entered the room, the person everyone thinks they have the right to touch, and the lady who must be needing tons of advice because the entire world gives it to you regardless of how crazy it is!
I hope I run into her again when I'm pregnant with # 5!
Well being pregnant with my second child and already having a boy, most people to make comments to me say "I hope you have a girl", "Are you hoping for a girl?". My response is...I'm hoping for a heartbeat.
I shouldn't even comment because some of us (me) dislike baby conversations altogether! , but I obviously am anyway...
Some of us just pray for children without question or preference to gender. And, Thank Heaven we were blessed with one after Dr's told us it was impossible... I'd love to have another baby; pink, blue, yellow, purple, or green. I would take any size, shape, gender, or color!
Did you just creep into my mind and read my thoughts? Pretty sure you did! I feel this way all the time. It isn't anyone else's buisness darn it! I secretly wish everyone could experience the feelings and the saddness associated with infertility. It would sure make people a whole lot more sypathetic and compassionate to different family situations. It would also make them grateful for whatever gender they might be blessed with...even if that is all boys or all girls! ☺ Each child is a gift and each child should be celebrated.
I didn't even want to tell people I was pregnant because I knew they would say "You are CRAZY!". Well, I guess I am. 5 kids barely 7 and under. YES! I go crazy with all these kiddos so close together, but I did with one sweet child too! Mothers with two or three kids come up to me and want to pin a medal on my chest just because we have so many so close together. I always say that it was probably harder with one when I wasn't used to the lack of sleep. All mothers and for that matter all women are amazing and why don't we just cheer each other on instead of having an opinion on every decision anyone else makes?
I hear ya sister!
Amen sister! This all boy family has gotten untold amounts of sympathy over our lack of pink. We're good world! Don't worry about us! We don't need both genders to have a complete and happy family.
I think it's funny that almost all of these stories include Wal-Mart checkers. We may be giving them too much credit in regards to their ability to make socially appropriate conversation.
It's the people who should know better that bother me. Like when women ask pregnant women when they're due because it surely must be soon or they're going to explode. Or I remember my Mission President and his wife saying how members of their ward would say, "You guys have been married long enough, it's time to have kids..." Well, they couldn't. They'd go home and cry because they wanted kids so badly and those comments stung.
I agree with the above. Enjoy what you have (in life and in children!), all children are great and MYOB. :) Good one, J.
Oh P.S.... I just heard a story on NPR about how China has 180 MILLION "extra" men. Needless to say it's causing huge problems. Areas with large quantities of men have higher crime rates, etc. If they're not already, China's collectively going to be rueing the day they wished for boys. Hooray for girls! :)
This is too interesting.....I just read like 3 posts of FB talking about the VERY same thing. Having 4 girls I too get this all the time. Very annoying. And I would have to agree that girls are often looked down upon due to the tearful, drama, hormone filled lives that they may very well lead! :) I get it from my family, too. Shocking I know! But, I am oh so thankful for my quiet, do puzzles and color for hours on end sweet, kind hearted, rarely climb ALL OVER the couch girls! I always tell Ryan that the teenage years will be a bear, but we will be VERY well taken care of olD people!
HOORAY for our girls. They are darling. And what would we do with a tiny human with a water hose attached to their body? Isn't one in the house enough?
Years ago Dear Abby always advised her readers to use the following phrase "EXCUSE ME---I don't believe I heard what you said!" when a reader was zinged by a remark of an insensitive person. I never used it but it was always nioe to know that it was "there" to be used if I wanted to. It is fun to create scenarios wherein you could say that phrase and even more fun to practice how you would say it.
Joan
Yeah, if you had all boys you'd get the same thing, "oh, I hope you get a girl next!" You have 3 beautiful children. People say dumb things sometimes.
I can't totally relate because I have both girls and boys. But I have had several times lately when people have implied that I have TOO MANY children--that we should have been more diligent with our birth control. That gets me. I figure I can have children and raise them in a home where they are fed, clothed, loved, and provided with every advantage, why shouldn't I have 20? My kids will be contributers, not drains, on society. Argh. My family is my business. If I want to have 10 more I will, Darn it! (Not that I really will, but you know).
So yeah, I don't totally get it, but I sort of do.
One other thing. I do know several women who have all boys who have pined for girls (and even had "just one more" to try to get a girl). Maybe the people at the grocery store know people like that too, and project that same feeling on you. If I'm totally honest I'd have to admit that If I'd had all boys I would have REALLY wanted to have a girl too.
We had the ultimate- a family with 5 girls and no boys. When people asked my dad about it, he always laughed and said, something along the lines that he was enough man for the family and that was all we needed. People never said more after that. Personally I think it was great- we all shared rooms and it worked out. I had a bigger learning curve about boys when I learned I was having our first son. And its been fine and great. As far as comments from strangers- I've gotten pretty good at the "don't make eye contact and have a face that says don't bug me" look in stores. No one usually bugs me and I like it that way. My condolences on the rude lady.
Preach it, ebff.
I had a couple of dear, dear friends who were seriously distraught after my ultrasound; they were sooo sure I would be getting 'my girl' this time. I don't think they understand that I would have been seriously distraught if I had! (Girls scare me; I don't think our home can handle any more estrogen that what I already moodily provide).
People say things like that to me all the time too with the 2 boys. I just love that moment when you are pregnant and you find out what you are about to have! Its like it totally doesn't matter what you were wishing for or thinking you were going to have. Both genders have so many fun things about them and its just great to know which things to start getting excited about. I would love to have a girl someday so much, but I think I might also mourn not being able to pull out Max and Sammy's baby clothes that I love and all the fun boy things that we have learned to do so well. If I have all boys there will be no regrets. Its kind of awesome actually to get to be the family princess :) All one gender families are special!
I come from a family of 4 girls and my mom had the same issue. Every where she went people would feel sorry for her that she didn't have a boy and would say the same thing "maybe next one will be a boy".
She loves her daughters and was happy to have all girls. My dad was probably one of the best dads to have all girls, "as long as they can ski" was always his comment. We all ski and we have had great daddy/daughter ski days over the years. I can't even picture how he would be with a son. He was very patient with our teenage girl drama, I know Tyler will be the same!
Now my parents have more grandsons!
I agree, it's not in our hands so let's just be grateful that we are able to have (healthy) children.
Thanks for venting.
I hear it all the time!! I think I have just learned to tune stupid peole out and not be bothered. I love my boys and wouldn't trade anyone of them in for a girl.
Perhaps if you would have prayed as hard as I did or was a little bit more righteous like me, you would have gotten a boy like I did. It's hard to really put a gauge on someones righteousness but I think if a family has both a girl and boy, well, that's a pretty good sign. Heaven, here we come!!!!
You're way nicer than I am. I would have said something rude back, but that's just me. Well, I have a BOY AND A GIRL and I get, "Oh good... now you're done." No, I'm NOT done. And when I tell people that they freak out! Seriously, what the hell??
Ok so I have to admit I have been on the other side of those comments, I am not sure why I have found myself saying those exact words to others but, I think it's because the thought of getting to experience something new after having two boys was so exciting to me? Not better but, just different.. Not an excuse for what I like to call "the rude stranger danger" I try to keep these type of comments between friends but, it never fails with each pregnancy there is always one stranger who innevitably has to upset the pregnant lady with some rude or innaproriate comment or touch. Honestly next time if you really want to make them feel stupid tell them one of the girls is actually a boy but, you didn't know how to raise a boy so you dress him like a girl and call him by a different name....This works best when all three children are present because it leaves them questioning which one your are talking about and I am sure your girls will find it funny that you confused the rude stranger..
We have 4 girls and adopted two more girls from Ghana two years ago. I got a lot of people that would ask why we didn't adopt boys for my husband. I tell everyone that Heavenly Father gives who he wants in a family, even through adoption. You get who you are supposed to have.
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